I used to say that I didn't want to be pigeon-holed as an Affiliate Manager. Turns out that running a Network is what I am best suited for, as it fits my style and enhances my strengths better than any vocation I can imagine.
The pace, the multi-tasking, the personalities, the real-time revenue tracking, the 24-hour demands. . .these are all qualities I never knew a job could offer, at least based on my plethora of internships and collegiate, entry-level positions. The excitement was unparalleled from my first day in the Industry; a day of confusion & worry, as there was a Boiler Room-like atmosphere in the office. I was not trained, nor was I expected to succeed. Surrounded by intelligent, analytical, cold-blooded business people projecting me as a failure did not exactly allow me to feel comfortable, and learning such a nuanced position with no tangible guidance was not an easy task. Such is life in this business; most of us don't have time for our Selves & Responsibilites, so how can one be expected to add the burden of training a probable failure to the exponentially expanding list of tasks?
As it were, I was assigned a desk on the 20th Floor, adjacent to a window - most likely to foreshadow how easy & often failure comes about in this business, and less likely to be the metaphorical Window of Opportunity. Either way, there I sat. And learned. And hustled. And inquired. And learned more. And failed. It was with this first failure - a colossal failure which led to losing a major Advertiser account as well as numerous publishers - that I realized without a hint of irony that Affiliate Managing was my destiny (at the time, mind you). Somehow, my superiors saw my 'talent' and defended me to the CEO, who understandably wanted me dismissed. I was given a new lease on the life of my career, and it started to come together. I began the first of many 18-hour days, developing IM callouses & business relationships simultaneously while my eyesight & personal relationships declined, also simultaneously. I never 'figured it out' because you never can 'figure it out,' but I improved to the extent of running a few Networks and with good success.
But at what cost? Coming full-circle back to my original point of not wanting to be pigeon-holed, I realized that personal life & priorities were so completely out of whack. The business & the network had taken over my life, and THERE IS NO ESCAPE. I began to view my company as 'The Firm,' where one false step of misloyalty would lead to dire circumstances. My paranoia increased and my stress level soared beyond any I had experienced. I needed to get out, and get right. I began to view Affiliate Managing as the basis of my unhappiness and resented every day; what once was an exciting, limitless world was now an Imminent Personal Armageddon. Burning the candle on both ends? Not quite - I was a stick of fire.
This internal crisis became too much to shoulder and I ran, leaving everything in the past - my company, my coworkers, my friends. I had no plan and no future - I just wanted to be free. I imagined days and weeks of never having to be near a computer, much less having one attached to my fingers 20 hours per day. I had what I wanted and I was happy. . .for a week.
It wasn't one ephiphany that followed that led me back to the daily grind; it was a sequence of conversations with friends, industry partners & family, along with some personal insight and real emotional breakthroughs that made me realize - I am this Industry, this Industry is Me.
It's not the position, it's the person. And you know what? Take a look outside your window - Pigeons rule the Skies.
